We often forget that a child, in front of whom a mother, brother or sister beat, also becomes a victim. How can this affect his future life? And what to do with this injury?
Almost all my clients who saw how they “raised” their brothers or sisters with the same desire-to hide somewhere very, very far, not to hear and not see, to disappear. The word “unbearably” sounded many times.
Why is it so scary and so clinging? Helplessness is the most serious condition for humans. You see how it hurts another, but you can’t do anything.
What is the difference between a witness injury and a victim’s injury?
The one who beats is busy with one – physical survival. Once analyze whether you dare to strike or turn on patience. This is a slightly altered state of consciousness: you are in battle, you are busy, you are saving. Yes, you most often lose, but at least you do something-you shout at least or contract a lump.
And the witness? He is not busy with the salvation of his body, he is not attacked and he is not threatened (at that moment). It is also important whether they beat him at all or not be beaten right now. If he was once beaten, then his pain from past scenes and the fear that he next in line is scrolling in his head. And if they never beat, he still turns out to be a hostage: violence occurs before his eyes.
In any case, the witness is experiencing shock injury
Further depends on whether or not the child supported after what happened. For example, my grandmother hugged and reassured. Mom woke up, cried and apologized that she fell off before both children. If the child does not receive consolation and support, it is likely that the injury “gets stuck” in the psyche for many years.
The child’s child is also especially acute by the child’s imprisonment because he seems to be rushing to the rescue, shake, scream, persuade. But few people decide because of shock, fear and misunderstanding of what is happening (after all, parents call it “upbringing” or “punishment”).
Even worse than seeing what is happening is to hear. Scream of brother or sisters, the way the blows sound. I myself have such a children’s experience. You can’t run away, the ears of the ears do not help, you are hostage. No wonder the militants show how someone from loved ones is tormented in front of the hero. And the hero is connected and can not do anything … and gives a secret. It took me 10 years of therapy and immersion in myself for several months in the mountains so that I could write about it relatively calmly.
Redirected aggression
There is another thing that is better visible to the witness than the victim – in the person who hits the child, there is no love. He does not see a living son or daughter in front of him now, but sees “something” that bothers him. And this is scary – when before your eyes a loving parent turns into a crazy creature or into a cruel sadist.
What if the “real” parents do not return? And if this is actually “real” parents? And if they don’t stop? And if a brother or sister seriously suffers or dies?
And often a strange thing happens – the witness begins to hate the beaten
Why? Yes, because “because of him” mom or dad are angry. Because of him, the witness is forced to be here and tolerate what is happening. In fact, anger should be aimed at the aggressor, but a small child cannot approach and hit a strong and angry parent. The beaten becomes, as it were, a “criminal”.
And after, in communication, this aggression will find a channel for the exit-to break something with his brother, “tap” the mother, arrange a pile. Yes, or just hate, even if silently.
Quarrels, fights become the norm. Contact is violated and not restored, even when children grow up. Actually, the very ability to establish and maintain contact is violated – hence the detached relationship with relatives.
Witnesses of violence subsequently often behave aggressively, they have outbreaks of anger, and sometimes rage, as if out of the level. Increased sensitivity to injustice and at the same time is developing an increased tendency to run into troubles (robberies, fights, aggressive environment).
This is a consequence of the psyche poorly reads the danger, as the sensitivity to aggression and threats is reduced
Women often have a sharpened tone reaction, to the volume of the voice. Sometimes they cannot protect their children, do everything, just to avoid conflict. They are inferior to her husband, colleagues, mother -in -law, children in everything.
In men, the situations of hysterical aggression are frequent, also rather rage – when he tears and swores, breaks furniture and dishes. Such men do everything to stay “in a strong position” and not be helpless. They often enter into an open conflict with the leader and are easily included in disputes.
Is it possible to work out injuries yourself?
Independently to work out or reduce its influence is difficult due to too strong feelings. The pain was so strong, and fear is so huge that it is not possible to recall the traumatic situation.
With aggression, a little easier – part of it can be expressed by breaking the pillow, tearing the glossy magazine, knocking out the carpet. At the same time, the idea of whom hatred is addressed to mother, father, brother or sister helps.
The main thing is awareness. Do not plunge into feelings uncontrollably, otherwise there will be a repetition of the injury. If, when you remember the difficult children’s experience, you “tear off the roof”, take a few breaths and exhalations, wash yourself and next time contact a psychologist.
It will be very useful to talk with an adult sister or brother, to find out if they have the events of those years in their memory. Cry and sympathize with each other, share the sore, ask for forgiveness for their helplessness.
Appeal to the
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inner child
Here’s what you can do without a psychologist: symbolically “pick up” the little child that you were once, and regret him. This is your wounded inner child who is still in the past. He stands there, clamping his ears with his hands, or hid in a corner.
You can tell him something like this: “I know how painful. I am now an adult, I love you, I will always protect you, I will never let it happen again “. And if you protect yourself badly, physically or emotionally, promise him that you will learn. If you can’t do it in the imagination, take a pillow, a large toy and hug it.
Show love for yourself, for your wounded part. Now you are her parent, and it depends on you how quickly she will grow up and leave her fortress. Ask her for forgiveness for the fact that sometimes you treat with you the same way as aggressive parents treated you or your brother/sister.